La relazione Poliamorosa!

La relazione poliamorosa esclude il possesso, ma non la gelosia, l’invidia e l’infedeltà. Se ti sembra strano che abbia nominato l’invidia, ti anticipo che l’invidia è molto spesso all’origine dell’infedeltà, come spiegherò più avanti nell’articolo. Contrariamente a quanto si vuole credere noi ,femmine, maschi, trans-gender (nominati rigorosamente in ordine alfabetico!) non siamo monogami. All’interno della famiglia fin dalle origini ci sono vari poli affettivi a cui ci leghiamo in modo più o meno intenso: mamma, papà, fratelli, sorelle, nonni, nonne, zii, zie, cugine, cugini. Per chi famiglia non ha, ci sono nuclei sostitutivi all’interno dei quali vivono e agiscono figure sostitutive materne e paterne, fraterne etc. Ovviamente qui non intendo esaminare le affinità e le differenze affettive che si sviluppano all’interno delle diverse realtà. Affermo soltanto che i poli affettivi di riferimento per i neonati sono comunque molteplici e vari e influenzeranno la sua futura vita amorosa. Ti porto qualche esempio, perché la concretezza delle situazioni facilita la comprensione. Anni fa avevo come paziente una bella signora di circa trent’anni che si tormentava , incapace di scegliere fra i due uomini importanti della sua vita. Li amava profondamente tutti e due e si dichiarava incapace di trovare la soluzione al suo dlemma. “Se penso di lasciare uno dei due mi sento amputata della metà di me. Amo entrambi intensamente, l’uno più sul piano fisico, l’altro più a livello intellettuale. Sono sia l’uno che l’altro molto intelligenti e capaci nel loro lavoro: uno è un imprenditore, l’altro un astronomo.” L’ipotesi che le prospettai per aiutarla a comprendere il suo comportamento fu la seguente. I genitori della signora avevano divorziato quando lei aveva appena due anni. Era stata una separazione molto turbolenta e continuava ad esserlo anche dopo il divorzio. Il padre e la madre della paziente continuavano ad accapigliarsi sugli orari, sui periodi di frequentazione, sulle vacanze ,etc, nonostante dovessero attenersi alle modalità stabilite dal giudice. La madre piangeva ogni volta che la bambina andava a casa del padre. Credo che la bambina per sopravvivere abbia messo in atto, inconsapevolmente, una specie di amnesia temporanea selettiva. Quando si allontanava dalla mamma, calava il sipario, la casa materna scompariva dalla sua mente e veniva sostituita dalla casa paterna: una nuova scena, un atto nuovo della sua vita. E l’inverso accadeva quando lasciava la casa del padre. L’amnesia le consentiva così di vivere separatamente un rapporto soddisfacente sia con la mamma che con il papa. Man mano che cresceva la paziente ha continuato a gestire i suoi rapporti affettivi con quella che vorrei definire ” tecnica dell’amnesia selettiva temporanea. ” La paziente è rimasta dunque abbarbicata, senza averne consapevolezza, alla sua tecnica di sopravvivenza infantile anche da adulta e anche nel rapporto con l’analista, isolandosi con lei per evitare qualunque interferenza potenzialmente pericolosa per il suo sistema di difesa. Cercava in ogni maniera di impedire lo svolgersi del lavoro analitico che l’avrebbe inesorabilmente condotta alla consapevolezza della sua tecnica difensiva, rendendola inutilizzabile. Ha infatti abbandonato l’analisi dopo due anni adducendo difficoltà economiche e di tempo. E’ evidente dunque che il lavoro analitico è stato rifiutato perchè in questa relazione poliamorosa i vantaggi ( gratificazioni affettive) erano superiori agli svantaggi ( sofferenza della paziente e dei due uomini ). La relazione poliamorosa comunque è una relazione palesemente narcisistica con un titolare e due o più gregari. Il titolare, uomo o donna, è alla ricerca della relazione amorosa perfetta, riedizione di quella unione totalizzante primaria nella quale nulla si doveva chiedere perchè tutto era dato, ogni desiderio soddisfatto prima ancora di essere manifestato. Questa ricerca ,ovviamente destinata al fallimento, si accompagna a un perenne e sottile senso di insoddisfazione che inquina il rapporto. La relazione poliamorosa può essere condivisa da tutti i soggetti coinvolti sin dall’inizio o essere conosciuta soltanto da uno dei gregari. In questo secondo caso si può parlare di infedeltà soltanto se il soggetto titolare continua a tenere nascosto il nuovo rapporto, proprio perchè la relazione poliamorosa si fonda ” sull ‘amore apertamente condiviso” dei soggetti coinvolti. Ho scritto all’inizio dell’articolo che la relazione poliamorosa esclude il possesso, ma non la gelosia, l’invidia e l’infedeltà. La gelosia e l’invidia sono compagni più o meno tollerati sin dai primi anni di vita: i fratelli lottano più o meno consapevolmente per conquistarsi l’attenzione e l’amore dei genitori e sono inevitabilmente gelosi e invidiosi gli uni degli altri. Chiunque abbia esperienza di relazioni familiari può confermare questa affermazione, perciò non affaticarti a contestarla. Tutti portano dentro alle relazioni amorose, quindi anche nella relazione poliamorosa, le esperienze affettive infantili dei rapporti familiari che non sono esenti da gelosia e invidia. Questi due sentimenti spesso provocano i comportamenti infedeli . L’infedeltà infatti è la punizione che, più o meno consapevolmente, il soggetto geloso o invidioso vuole infliggere al suo amante. Ecco degli esempi banali: se tu sei geloso della tua compagna perchè ti sembra che sia troppo gentile con un tuo amico ,puoi pensare di punirla tradendola con un’altra donna. Oppure se tu sei invidioso del successo lavorativo di tua moglie puoi tradirla per vendicarti di farti sentire inferiore. Gli stessi esempi sono declinabili al femminile: se tu sei gelosa del tuo compagno perchè ti sembra che sia troppo gentile con una tua amica, puoi pensare di punirlo tradendolo con un altro uomo. Oppure se tu sei invidiosa del successo lavorativo di tuo marito , puoi tradirlo perchè ti fa sentire inferiore. Quindi anche la relazione poliamorosa , che sembrerebbe più soddisfacente perchè più libera, in realtà è affettivamente vincolante come la relazione amorosa tradizionale e forse più faticosa.

Di wp_14348898

Rosalba Scavia- psicoanalista Iscrizione all'albo psicologi e psicoterapeuti del Lazio con il n.548 Titoli di studio: Laurea in psicologia Laurea in sociologia

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